Let’s give a Toast to the Assholes
20 Dec
Dear NBA fans,
I’m writing this on behalf of the National Community of Assholes. We are the guy who left you at the alter. We are the girl who ran up your credit score then fucked your best friend. We are the coworker you trusted with a personal email about your strange obsession with cat videos, only to reply-all that bitch to the entire third floor. Basically, we are the society of people who don’t give a fuck, and the reason we are writing is because we believe you have our motives and our intentions confused.
As one of our members in the NBA community, he who holds highest office, NBA commissioner Mr. (name redacted), has brought to our attention, the rhetoric of over the past year has been leaning toward the more vitriolic side. As our colleague Mr St(redacted) has pointed out, you, the fans, are blaming players for being assholes, and doing so without much thought to the theory of the asshole. These accusations of dickery make our organization look bad because they delude the meaning of the very word that gives us meaning.
First, let me say, the NBA has provided our organization with several key members, most notably Tim Hardaway and Bill Laimbeer, however, the slew of NBA stars who have recently been thrown under the bus have little to do with our charter’s ideals. Ever since we were founded by the syphilitic shithead Paul Gaugain, we assholes have delicately formed a rubric for defying moral progress. We are not he who cannot comprehend the moral implications of a situation; we can, and deliberately usurping that morality is what makes us assholes.
Being an asshole isn’t about the action, but the intention behind it. We aren’t the alcoholic, we are the guy who deliberately gets drunk to ruin his wife’s company christmas party because because her boss kicked his ass in fantasy football. For this reason, we cannot condone the recent allegations of dickishness against the NBA superstar wanting to leaving his mid-market team for greener pastures in bigger cities.
This trend started with LeBron, and has now matriculated into an argument against Dwight Howard (and to a lesser extent Chris Paul). We understand your anger with the way in which LeBron left Cleveland, but we don’t consider this an asshole move because, once again, we are about intention and not action. See, morality is relative and in a fucked up way, LeBron was just doing what he thought was right at the moment. Yeah, his ego is bigger than the entire state of Ohio, but we find it hard to blame him. He’s the closest the sports world has come to a genuine child star, and as we see it, he’s allowed a Drew Barrymore style fucking meltdown every once in a while.
This brings us to the current feelings toward Dwight Howard. He is one of the best players in a league currently top-heavy in the talent department and he’s playing in a strip-mall town; call us crazy, but can you blame the guy for wanting to leave? Players that good have the ability to financially capitalize on their talents, and in order for this to happen they may have to move to bigger markets where more money is available. Once again, and like LeBron, this decision process doesn’t make Dwight an assholes, it makes him a businessman.
We understand how this is difficult to comprehend, especially if you are from Orlando, because most people are sports fans first and rational thinkers second. In other words, it’s hard to see the forest through the trees because fan loyalty can be so intense. But confusing fan loyalty with business decisions can blind the fan to the fact that Dwight has no reason to stay in Orlando. If he believes business opportunities to be better elsewhere, he has a responsibility only to himself to take advantage of his considerable talents in a city more conducive to those opportunities. However, being a Magic fan isn’t a business decision, it’s being a fan, and it’s hard for the fan not to see Dwight as a trader when the irrationality of fandom meets the rationality of business. In other words, Dwight Howard isn’t an asshole for wanting out of Orlando, but it’s hard for anyone not to blame Magic fans for believing him to be one.
So let’s leave the vitriolic rhetoric for those who deserve it, Dwight Howard isn’t an asshole for wanting to leave Orlando. Let’s all focus our energy back on the real assholes of this world. We’re looking at you Paul Allen, expect an invitation from us soon.
Sincerely,
The National Community of Assholes
