I Would Marry (player with the best overall week):
Mike: Carmelo Anthony (New York Knicks)
Move over LaLa, I want to steal your husband. Now this may surprise some of you because I pretty much hate the Knicks and Melo, but with their season slipping away Melo took the reigns last week and lead them to a 3-1 week. Would have been nice to go 4-0, but those pesky Cavs are always standing in the way, huh?
But seriously, that Knicks team is a mess and Melo balled it out this past week so that’s pretty cool.
Spacefunmars: Carmelo Anthony (New York Knicks)
I’ve been hating on Melo almost all this season, so I have to show him some love now that he’s shown up. I thought the Knicks were going to fall out of the playoffs. Shit… I was HOPING they would, and Melo is the one reason they haven’t. I won’t let my personal hate for Melo get in the way of pointing out that he’s been balling out. Way to be, Melo.
Emile: Carmelo Anthony (New York Knicks)
In four games last week, LeBron James was, well, LeBron James. In those outings, all victories, three each without Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, one without both, LeBron averaged 31 points (with unreal 57.5/50/87.7 FG/3-pt/FT percentages), 7.5 rebounds and 5.5 assists (and 3.75 turnovers) per game. Most weeks, this is beautiful-funny-smart-sweet- successful-comes-from-a-billionaire-family marriage material. Hell, to some it probably still is.
This week, however, LBJ was undone by his likely counterpart in the playoffs’ opening round. In four games of his own, three of them wins, including a playoff clincher, Carmelo Anthony conjured quite the LeBron impersonation, averaging 29.8 points (on 47.8/61.1!!/87.2 FG/3-pt/FT percentages; again, he made sixty-one percent of 18 3-point attempts), 7.5 rebounds and 5 assists (and 3 turnovers) per game.
Maybe it’s my self-entitled expectation of LeBron’s brilliance. Maybe it’s having my slightly negative lean on Carmelo shoved down my throat. Maybe it’s the duel with Paul Piece and 21 in a quarter in Jersey (hold this thought). Whatever the reason, for my money, this week, ‘Melo’s meeting my mom.
I Would Fuck (player with the best individual game performance):
Mike: Metta World Peace (LA Lakers) April 22nd
I’d like to fuck Metta, because who wouldn’t like to some rough play in the sack. Wait, what’s that? This is only figurative? Oh shit, my bad. Let’s try this again:
JJ Hickson (Portland Trailblazers) April 21st
I’d “fuck” JJ for old time sake, I kind of miss having him around on the Cavs. He’s kind of like a girl who got fat and everyone said they wouldn’t fuck her with your dad’s dick. Well turns out JJ is awesome in the sack because he was dropping a 23 pts/13 boards on Memphis’ head and showing you he knows a few nice moves to get you hard.
In related news: I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU ALL. I FUCKING TOLD YOU JJ HICKSON WAS GOOD. LOOK AT HOW HE’S PLAYING IN PORTLAND. THE SACRAMENTO KINGS ARE HOT FUCKING GARBAGE AND ALMOST RUINED JJ HICKSON, NOW HE’S BALLING OUT. FUCK YOU BLOGGERS. FUCK YOU TWITTER. FUCK YOU LAMESTREAM MEDIA. YOU WERE ALL WRONG. SUCK MY JJ HICKSON-LOVING DICK.
Spacefunmars: Ron Artest (LA Lakers) April 22nd
Except I mean it. Ron Artest won LA the game last night. LA was in Nowheresville, and Artest elbowed his way to victory. The Thunder weren’t the same team after Harden went down, and you can’t deny that it’s because of Artest. Yes, we are all aware that he changed his name to “Metta World Peace,” but after that elbow, I refuse to participate in that shenanigan of a name. I hope he enjoyed his moment of glory because it is going to be a long time before he will impact a game for good OR bad.
Emile: Lebron James (Miami Heat) April 16th
I’ve heard the detractors. “Of course, in a meaningless regular season game against the Nets.” “Do it when it counts!” “Where is that against the Bulls?” Save it. Monday night in Newark, LeBron James was at his devastating best. Like, 48-Special good.
With 5:35 remaining in the fourth quarter, and the Deron-less Nets clinging to a slim lead against the Wade-less Heat, LeBron reentered the game, a “pedestrian” 20-4-7 stat line in tow. LeBron proceeded to score 17 of the game’s final 29 points (including all of Miami’s) making 5-of-6 field goals attempts, virtually all from point blank range, and all seven of his free throw attempts. In 5:35. Actually, he didn’t get rolling until 4:47 remained.
I know, I know. It’s only the Nets. However, what we overlook in diminishing this type of performance is that even the worst NBA squad is comprised of extremely LARGE, athletic human beings that do not take kindly to being embarrassed.
If this shit was easy, more guys would do it. Hell, someone would do it.
I Would Kill (player with the worst overall week or individual game performance):
Mike: Defenders of Metta World Peace
You know who you are. You are the asshole that is writing today about how we shouldn’t vilify Metta. You are writing about how it’s just an accident. You’re writing about how we are crucifying Ron Ron because of his past history. Seriously, just blow me.
He deserves it. Read that last line again. He. Deserves. It. He deserves every single word of that sentence. Throughout his entire career he was a fucking asshole, then he does something very asshole-like on national tv and I am not suppose to believe he is a big gaping asshole?
Note to bloggers: Stop taking the side of controversial players. You know who you are. It doesn’t look well thought out or intelligent; you just look like an asshole. Constantly coming to the defense of guys like LeBron and Metta World Peace just makes you look like a troll. Seriously, you look like a dick.
Spacefunmars: Ron Artest (LA Lakers) April 22nd
He won the game for the Lakers, but he lost the war to not be an asshole.
Emile: Russell Westbrook (Oklahoma City Thunder)
– In the aftermath of OKC’s latest collapse at Staples Center, much of the conversation will (rightfully) focus on Metta going Ron-Ron upside James Harden’s head. Without a doubt, the loss of Harden impacted negatively the Thunder’s chances of notching their 47th victory of the season, keeping pace with the Spurs for the West’s top spot and avoiding a sixth consecutive loss against playoff-bound opposition.
Let’s not lose sight of the fact that with 13 seconds remaining in the third quarter, and Harden long gone, the Thunder held an 18-point advantage against the sluggish and shellshocked Lakers. From that point forward, Russ connecting on just one of 10 shots, sadly only slightly underperforming his 2-of-12 form of the first three quarters. Yep, 3-for-22. Suffice it to say, it was Bad Russ that RSVP’d for Jack’s 75th birthday.
Russ kicked off the week much the way he finished it, floundering in downtown L.A., with a 4-of-16, 9-point, 3-assist, 5-turnover gem against the Clips, with a pair of “meh” victories (at Sacramento and Phoenix) sandwiched in between. In all, Westbrook took the floor four times (OKC was 2-2) in the past seven days, making just 21 of his 69 shots (30.4%) and one of his 10 3-point attempts, averaging 14 points and 5.25 assists (twice he had just 3), while coughing the ball up four times per game.