It’s fairly easy to see which NBA teams are moving in the right direction and which are moving in the wrong direction.

When New Orleans landed Anthony Davis with the top pick along with Austin Rivers later in the same draft, a lot of people were excited about the future of the franchise. Add these two top talents to Eric Gordon and it appeared a foundation was being built.

When it was announced the Hornets would be changing their name, it seemed the perfect opportunity to catapult the franchise into contender status. Instead? They fell flat.

By changing their name from Hornets to the Pelicans, the Hornets cemented themselves in the pool of teams with animal mascots – a pool with very little success.

Of the 66 NBA championships, only 12% have been won by teams with animal mascots – and six of those were the Michael Jordan led Bulls. This comes even when animals make up 27% of all NBA team mascots. If you’re into silver linings, by changing from a bug to a bird, the Hornicans can point to the Hawks as a team to have won a ring with a bird mascot, but their single title came in 1958.

Meanwhile, the Sacramento Kings are moving to Seattle to become the Supersonics. Teams with job titles as mascots (Kings, Mavericks, Cavaliers, Wizards, Warriors) make up 17% of the league and have won only 3% of the championships. Highlighting why this is such a great move, even the Kings’ franchise’s sole championship came under the name Royals, not Kings – which is much less a job title as it is a lineage.

Changing their name from the Kings to the SuperSonics – a characteristic of the region of Seattle – they have increased their chance to win a ring exponentially. Regional characteristics / figures (Lakers, Celtics, Trail Blazers, Pacers, 76ers, Clippers, Heat, Thunder, Jazz, Magic) comprise 33% of all league mascots, yet have won an incredible 61% of the total championships. Not only that, but the SuperSonics have already won one title.

This is partly unfair – the city of New Orleans SHOULD own the rights to the Jazz mascot, and therefore a world of constant title competition. But that does not mean they needed to compound their misfortune by selecting a mascot from those least likely to win a ring.

Even if New Orleans felt there was no other geographical mascot that made sense other than the Jazz, they could have easily looked at the share of titles won by inanimate objects as a source for new names. Inanimate objects (Pistons, Nets, Rockets, Knickerbockers, Spurs, Nuggets, Suns) have won 20% of possible titles compared to comprising 23% of the total mascots. While not great odds, there is a loophole here that is going unnoticed – the Bullets.

The Bullets as a mascot have won two NBA titles and sit in a much more friendly category of mascots (inanimate objects) than teams named after people like the Cavaliers, Mavericks, Wizards, and Warriors. With Dallas having just won a ring, and the Warriors having three titles in their history, those teams are unlikely to change their names anytime soon – which means the Cavaliers and Wizards are competing over the name Bullets.

Of course, the old Bullets are the new Wizards – and it is those types of decisions that have doomed that franchise.

Which means the franchise that could most increase their chance at a title with a name change would be Cleveland – by becoming the Cleveland Bullets.

So many of the current NBA discussions are framed around market size – yet the numbers used to define these markets are somewhat misleading. Not to get all sabermetric (or would it be sabermetro) on everyone, but I thought it may be a good exercise to look at the criteria used most commonly to define ‘big’ vs ‘small’ markets. And why, for the most part, the numbers we use are bullshit.

Most current discussions are framed around Designated Market Areas (DMAs) as outlined by Nielsen. Nielsen uses DMAs to assign total audience numbers to various regions for use in buying and selling ad space. The flaw in using DMAs to evaluate ‘large market vs small market’ in NBA terms is that every county in the United States is assigned to a DMA. For example – the Salt Lake City DMA includes the entire state of Utah. DMAs are designed to evaluate the size of a city in the same way your waist size is used to evaluate the size of your penis.

Below is a chart ranking each NBA market in terms of DMA.

One of the most common citations in the ‘big market vs small market’ debate is that LeBron James left Cleveland, the 18th largest DMA, for Miami, the 16th largest. If looking purely at DMAs, the move is insignificant.

But DMAs don’t really illustrate the true size of a city. The Cleveland DMA includes Akron and Canton, which somewhat artificially inflate the idea of Cleveland as a city. While a case can be made that TV markets are still an important number when evaluating NBA markets, looking at the metro size of these cities provides some stark differences.

Metros, or Metropolitan Statistical Areas, outline the core urban area and the immediate outlying regions that are directly related to that region. To extend the Salt Lake City example, a metro determines the people who live in Salt Lake City – not in the ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. This provides a more accurate sense of the size of the city, and not just the assigned television market. When looking at the Metro sizes of Cleveland and Miami, Cleveland is ranked 28th with 2 million people, while Miami is ranked 8th with 5.6 million. So Miami is almost three Clevelands.

Below is the same chart as above, ranking each NBA market by DMA next to a chart ranking each market by metro – with fancy light sabers highlighting markets that have a large discrepancy.

The DMA and metro rankings mirror each other fairly close except for a few large outliers, which I’ve highlighted.  Also note the discrepancy in many of the smaller markets, where their DMA is ranked much higher than their metro, even if that didn’t impact their rank relative to other NBA markets.  Indiana is the 26th ranked DMA, but the 35th ranked metro.  Charlotte and Orlando are also much smaller metros than DMAs.  In the top 10, markets like Dallas, Philadelphia, and Boston only drop a few spots, but with the huge populations of those cities, the total audience difference is significant.

DMAs definitely have a relevant place in the discussion. When evaluating teams that may be willing to go into the luxury tax, looking at their DMA provides a fairly accurate idea of the size of their television contract. But when discussing free agents, the DMA probably has less impact than the metro ranking.

Mostly because metros more accurately define the amount of girls with slutty Twitter avatars available for follows in each market.

(Please note: Toronto was excluded since Canadian markets are not included in either the Nielsen or Metro rankings. Sorry, Canada. Golden State was listed under the San Francisco / Oakland DMA and Metro.  Seattle is the 15th ranked metro and 12th ranked DMA.)

Episode 34 – The Time We Found Out Emile Loves Tayshaun Prince

Yep, you read that right.  Emile likes Tayshaun Prince… A LOT.  And Michael Beasley too.  Don’t let that deter you though because there is a lot of great basketball talk in this episode.

Episode 34 [ 1:41:59 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Have you ever done something then immediately regret it?  Yeah, well that’s how I felt after starting this conversation with Angelo about the Kings’ proposed move to Seattle.  I think I’m just exhausted with talking about this.  But yeah, here are thousands of words about the whole thing.  If you’ve ever fantasized about how IGHN members bicker back and forth, here is a peek inside our world.

From: Mike
Date: January 10, 2013
To: Angelo
Subject: Reasonable Opinions on the Kings
So the internet’s goin nuts over this Kings thing, huh?

I guess the whole reason this email chain is starting is because I don’t get how anyone can think there isn’t blood on the hands of Sonics fans.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
Can I just point out that I love how an email with the subject “Reasonable Opinions on the Kings” has a sentence about there being blood on people’s hands?

This is exactly why I think that this whole thing is being so overwrought. Is it a crappy situation? Absolutely. Is an incredibly loyal, passionate fan base being robbed of their team? Yes. But to go above and beyond that and start moralizing this is absurd. How does this become a moral issue involving anyone outside of the Maloofs?

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:

Well “blood on their hands” is a reasonable metaphor because it implies some guilt. Maybe they didn’t jab the knife in, but there were there watching cheering it on and getting blood on themselves. I don’t think Seattle fans are the primary guilty party, but they play a part in this puzzle that can’t be ignored.  They are implicit.

Here is my case:

Seattle fans are (understandably) upset about how the Sonics were taken from them.  It was a bad situation and most Sonics fans (and a lot of general NBA fans) were very outspoken when the Thunder were in the finals last year.  While I think there is a statute of limitation about complaining about losing your team, it’s reasonable that they are upset.

However, when did it become right to steal a team just because your team was stolen?  How could Sonics fans look at this situation and even remotely say “well sucks for Sacramento, but WE HAVE A TEAM NOW!!!!!”?  I guess this is an argument of principle, but you become a hypocrite when you accept something today that you just cried about yesterday.

Seattle fans didn’t actively steal this team, but they have had years to make it clear that they would only accept and support an expansion team and NOT a relocated team.  I would even be ok with a team moving there that lacks fan support.  But I seriously believe Seattle fans should have some self respect and say “not the Kings”.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
Of course they’re hypocrites. Who isn’t at some point in their life though?

I would agree with you if I thought that an expansion team was a viable solution to this problem. But that’s the thing, it’s not. The NBA is a zero-sum game. The talent in the league is already diffused enough with 30 teams in the league. If the league were to go ahead and grant Seattle a team (and another city in the East to even things out), do you think that problem is going to get any better?

I look at this as a far more systemic problem with a lot more blame to go around. The league just came out of a lockout where competitive balance was a major issue (though it was skewed as a small vs. large market issue, which I think is a false analogy). The solution they came up with, the significantly more severe tax system, simply put a bandage on the issue. Sure we’ve seen OKC move Harden due to the tax, but the Lakers are something like $195M into the tax come next season. Given their insane television contracts, they’ll be able to afford paying that tax and will be able to keep Dwight on the books if he so chooses and sign a guy like LeBron James if the Heat blow things up. All that CBA has done is insure that teams with large television contracts can continue to be stacked as long as they have the outside revenue to afford the tax (and they do). There’s still going to be a consolidation of talent at the top. All an expansion team would do is continue to diffuse what remaining talent the rest of the teams in the league have to fight over. Is that really a viable solution to this problem?

Who’s more to blame then? The fans who finally get their beloved team back or the owners and league officials that can’t write a CBA that will allow the league to grow into new markets? I look at this as a problem arising from bad business practices. The NBA hasn’t put themselves in a position where they can grow beyond their current boundaries. Until that problem is fixed, you’re going to have this problem of owners looking to offload teams to better markets because their product isn’t financially viable.

Bottom line, if the NBA had structured a better system, Sacramento could be a more financially viable option for the Maloofs, minimizing their incentive to sell the franchise. An expansion team would’ve been a viable option for the Seattle consortium (minimizing their incentive to purchase the franchise). The problem is that structure doesn’t exist and won’t exist until another lengthy lockout.

And even if Seattle did get an expansion, there’s still teams teetering on the edge of relocation. The Hornets almost left New Orleans. The Bobcats seem like they’re always about ready to collapse. An expansion team is just a stop-gap solution to a much larger problem.

To summarize: even if Seattle wasn’t buying, the Maloofs were still selling.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:

Well maybe this is a dreaming too big, but is expansion really off the table?  Sure, with the economy it makes it a tough sell, but let’s look at the facts.  Stern has said over and over again how the Sonics moving was a regret of his.  And well-respected writers have speculated that Stern wants to get a team back in Seattle as his final act as commissioner.  This all makes a ton of sense.  If Seattle fans framed their case as “we want a team, but only the right way”, maybe the NBA could be strong armed into this happening.  Instead they have taken the “by any means necessary” stand that is not a good look for people who were crying back in June.

I agree with every single word you said about the financial structure of the league and maybe that’s why expansion isn’t viable… but what I can’t get down with is that this financial structure is what is causing the Kings to move.

Let’s be real: The Kings are moving because the Maloofs can’t handle their money.  This has nothing to do with how the league is set up… the Maloofs are kind of bad at business (or placed bad bets due to the economy) and the city of Sacramento is paying the price.  This has nothing to do with the fans.  It has nothing to do with the city of Sacramento (they have stepped up at every instance to basically do what it takes… it just hasn’t been ENOUGH money for the Maloofs).

More realness for you: As discussed by Ziller this morning, while Sacramento has made every possible concession to keep the Kings there, let’s not forget that the city of Seattle was screwing around and played a major factor in the Sonics leaving.  I know it kind of came off as a nasty move, but Seattle wasn’t falling over themselves like Sacramento is to keep the Sonics there.

This is really hard, because I do believe sports franchises are businesses and the owner has the right to decide what to do with their business. However, this all comes back to the Maloofs.  The NBA shouldn’t protect them from themselves.  I see this as there are viable options for them to stay in Sacramento, but the Maloofs just want more and more.  Don’t really know why Seattle fans would want any part of this.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
You think Stern can be strong-armed by a feel good story in a Seattle paper? Come on Mike, this is Mr. “Basketball Reasons” we’re talking about here.

How is the NBA protecting the Maloofs from themselves in this situation? If anything, buying the franchise from the Maloofs to keep them in Sacramento (much like Stern did with the Hornets), is protecting them from themselves. That starts the slippery slope of the league buying troubled franchises off from owners, which minimizes the risks of them making bad business decisions. Moral hazard. Econ 101.

I’m not trying to downplay how awful this situation is, but I don’t see any way around it, outside of Stern stepping in and forcing the Maloofs to consider a match from another ownership consortium in Sacramento (an idea that I really like and I wish would be institutionalized by the league). The crux of the problem is, there’s a $500M deal on the table. Stern can’t step in and veto that sale and force them to take a smaller deal in Sacramento. Owners would balk and the league would have serious problems stemming from that.

And even if the league stepped in and gave Seattle an expansion team, the Maloofs will continue to look for buyers in Anaheim or Virginia Beach. The root cause of this problem is the Maloofs. Even if the Seattle move is somehow stopped, the writing is pretty much on the wall here.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:

I mean we are arguing the business minutia of this.  This all goes back to the fans of Seattle.  They can just as easily say “we don’t like this and it’s kind of disgusting”.  But they don’t.  I used this analogy on twitter last night: If my wife leaves me, does that make it ok or less morally reprehensible to steal someone else’s wife?  Sure, this is all “business as usual for professional sports”, but let’s not act like the people of Seattle aren’t scumbags for being excited about it.

Also, I am just curious about this:  How much do you think the national “this sucks for Sacramento, but THE SONICS ARE BACK! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!” crowd are influenced by it being Seattle that is getting the team. Like we all kind of get happy/excited thinking about Kemp and Payton.  We all fantasize about Seattle being this great northwestern city (which it might be, I’ve never been there).  I don’t know, just kind of feels romanticized.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
First of all, I don’t agree with that analogy. I think the better way to frame it is dating your friends ex-girlfriend. Sure it’s not the coolest thing to do, but everyone involved is a consenting adult that can make their own decisions.

And I think you’re totally right that the Sonics are romanticized due to the Kemp/Payton era. To be totally honest, once Kemp was on the Cavs, I couldn’t care less about that team. They were just a team. Sure, it sucks that they aren’t around anymore, but I had no personal connection to them outside of watching Kemp dunk on fools when I was a kid.

Let’s frame it like this, if this was the Raptors moving to someplace like Kansas City, you think this would be as huge of a deal? I mean, pretty much no one cared about the Nets moving to Brooklyn last year.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:

I think the analogy works because there is more skin in the game.  The Kings shouldn’t be Sacramento’s ex.  As far as I understand, there are business people ready to buy the team and keep them in Sacramento and the city wants to do everything they can to build a stadium.  I guess the fundamental discussion is: can the Maloofs do whatever they want with the team?

I agree with how you framed it, except I think Toronto has a really good fan base. The Nets are a great example, nobody cares.  If the Bobcats moved, not many people would care.

The problem becomes you are moving a team from one awesome fan base to another.  So once there is a team in Seattle, don’t we play this game again with Sacramento down the road?  What the hell are you even solving?

I just have a hard time with Sonic fans being hypocrites and a ton of people being like “yeah that’s true, but it’s how things work now”.  Stop with this by any means necessary garbage.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
But the Maloofs have every right to sell them. There’s no “from death till we part” here. While that sucks, that’s the reality of it. You can try to change everything about yourself to appease your partner, but they still have every right to walk away from the relationship, which is clearly what’s happening here. To take it out of the ham-fisted analogy though, I agree, Sacramento should have the opportunity to match the deal. That’s the fair way to handle this situation. Will that happen? Who knows, that’s a discussion for a later date.

As for Sonics fans, what do you expect them to do? Turn them down? That’s not realistic. Yeah, it’s hypocritical, but people are hypocrites. Why should we hold a fan base to an unreasonable expectation that we’d never hold ourselves to in real life? That excuse can be lobbed at Cleveland if LeBron comes back. Is that a fair criticism? Are Thunder fans evil because they welcomed a team into open arms that once belonged to Seattle? Or are they in a higher moral standing because they’re not hypocrites because they never lost a team?

And with Brooklyn, that attitude of “it’s different because nobody cares” is hypocritical. Just because there’s less passionate fans in New Jersey doesn’t mean that to those passionate fans that did exist that this relocation is any different. Just because the outrage is smaller doesn’t mean it’s any less justified.

I guess the bottom line of what I’m saying here is that David Stern is a terrible commissioner and needs to have retired like a decade ago. The NBA will never be the top league in the US until there’s some stability in team locations.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:
I guess the more I look at it, the more I just need to be consistent with my “teams are businesses and the people who own businesses can do whatever they want with said businesses” point of view.

I guess I don’t fault the Maloofs for doing whatever they want, but this is an issue of fans and their behavior.  I guess Sonics fans have the right to be hypocrites, but why should any fan outside of Seattle be reacting to this with any sort of excitement?

Although I do think there are degrees for moving teams.  Here is how I would categorize it (and I am sure this will open up a whole new can of worms):

Unforgivable: Moving a team with a supportive fan base and supportive civic leadership

Not cool: Moving a team with a good fan base, but civic leaders don’t show the proper support

You could make an argument: Teams in markets that aren’t sustainable.  Fans support is only ok, but the business model is not sustainable.

Teams that should most likely move: Poor fan support, poor community support.

I guess this all comes back to if you have a team in one of the top tiers, you should be able to make your team work in the city that it is currently located in. If you can’t, you’re probably a poor business person.

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
I like that matrix, and I think that highlights the root of the problem I was discussing. The NBA, more than any other league in the US, has more teams in the bottom two rungs. I mean, outside of the NBA, the only other team I can really think of in one of those teams is the Miami Marlins. They’ve also made some questionable decisions as to where to locate franchises (Vancouver, two in LA, putting a team back into New Orleans and Charlotte despite a team folding there previously), so they’ve made this problem much worse.

The more I think about this, the more I think teams need to be treated like a restricted free agent. Give the current city a year to match the offer sheet before relocation. I think that would have prevented Seattle from moving and would probably also prevent the Kings from moving. Would have also helped the Hornets and probably would have avoided the league ownership. Does that seem like a fair consideration?

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Mike wrote:

Totally.  I think it gets to the root of what is fair here: let Sacramento match.

Although I’d like to ask about something in your last email: Two teams in LA are a mistake?  I think both do fantastic.  And honestly?  After Seattle, I would consider putting a second team in Chicago.  If you have a big market, why not?

Also lost in all of this was Stern saying last week that we would have European NBA teams at some point in the future.  So domestic expansion to a city that desperately wants an NBA team is off the table, but expanding to Europe is on it?

On Thu, Jan 10, 2013, Angelo wrote:
You think both LA teams do fantastic? Does your memory of the Clippers not extend back before 2010?

You don’t put another team in Chicago because you then have six playoff teams coming from three cities. It’d be a ratings disaster for the league, not to mention isolates a ton of fans, especially in places like Seattle.

And yeah, the Europe thing is ridiculous. But Stern gets to puff his chest and say that the NBA has something that neither MLB nor the NFL has. Nevermind the fact that neither league has European teams because that’s absurdly stupid, but Stern’s gon’ Stern.

DAYS PASS

On Thu, Jan 15, 2013, Mike wrote:
Hey we let this go for a few days, but reading this just refreshed my memory that we need to finish this conversation

Is it just me, or is that letter not helping anything?  Sure, it has the message that you are telling me of “don’t blame the fans, but blame the system”… but I don’t see much in here about keeping up the fight to keep the team in Sacramento.  It almost has the tone of “well just move on and here is how you should get a new team”… no?

Also I think it’s a little insulting for the Sonicsgate people to give advice to the Sacramento fans… the Sacramento fans have been a pain for the Maloofs for a while now and have been building a template on how to keep a team, rather than how to be crying babies after you lose a team.

On Thu, Jan 15, 2013, Angelo wrote:
God, you’re going to make me read a Grantland article? You’re the worst.

I don’t think it’s fair to label them crying babies, as there’s a fundamental difference between the two situations that keeps being ignored. The Maloofs want to sell the Kings to a Seattle buyer. The Thunder owner wanted to relocate the team from Seattle to OKC after purchasing the team in Seattle. Kings fans have the opportunity to make a counter offer to the keep the team that was never extended to Sonics fans because the move was about more than just cash. I think that’s an important distinction to note, is it not?

Which is also why I think the continued comparisons between the two cities isn’t fair. There’s no way for Seattle to look good in this. Either they’re hypocritically stealing a team from another market, or they’re turning the team down and justifying the move to OKC because they aren’t rabid enough about the NBA.

On Thu, Jan 15, 2013, Mike wrote:
I don’t think there is any fundamental difference.  Seattle lost it’s team because civic leaders refused to build an arena.  Schultz got annoyed and sold the team to someone who was set on moving the team.  They could have kept the Sonics if they just did what they needed to in order to keep Shultz happy.  No?  Sacramento is doing everything they can to not only find an ownership group to match the Seattle offer, but to fund an arena.

Seattle fans would have looked a lot better in they just kept their team.  Sometimes you lose a team and you don’t get bailed out and get one back.  Look at how it worked out in Charlotte.  Why do we automatically think this is such an awesome idea?

On Thu, Jan 15, 2013, Angelo wrote:
Seattle would look better if they just kept their team? Yeah, and Cleveland would look better if LeBron James never left and won a bajillion titles here, but you can’t change the past. Unless you have a Delorean. Do you have a Delorean, Mike?

I’m beginning to think we’re just going around in circles here. Can we at least agree to never read Grantland again?

On Thu, Jan 15, 2013, Mike wrote:
I just agreed with Matt Moore on Twitter.  I must be losing my mind so, yeah, it’s time for this discussion to end.  We’ll just agree that I win (and don’t think I won’t edit out any subsequent email messages from you).

Now that everyone’s returned back to the soul-crushing drudgery of their day jobs or school, what better time to talk about celebrations? It’s that awesome time of the year when the weather outside makes you not want to venture from your bedroom, yet alone your apartment, you’ll find your plans regularly get interupted because of blizzards and, oh yeah, you probably won’t have another sizable time away from work/school for at least six months. And there’s a good chance you’ll spend at least a few weeks of those months bed ridden with some sort of awesome flu because some asshole at your office couldn’t wash his hands after handling his diseased child in the morning and now you’re sick because you ate a bagel.

We’re a group of optimists here at I GO HARD NOW, if you can’t tell.

But alas, we came here to talk about celebrations, so we’re gonna talk about celebrations. Specifically, some of our writers wanted to share with you, our faithful readers, our most beloved celebrations in the NBA today. Don’t ever say we’ve never given you anything you ungrateful pricks.

Angelo

I have to go with a recent celebration, it’s Javale McGee’s “finger-lickin’ good” dance:

Now, let’s break down the reasons why this is so awesome:

• Javale fuckin’ McGee hit a three-pointer: Yes, Epic Vale himself, the man best known for a laundry list of some of the dumbest, most bone-headed plays in basketball, hit a three pointer. At the buzzer. The play that he’s celebrating alone elevates this into the upper echelon of NBA celebrations
• This is the first and only three-pointer in Javale McGee’s career. Even without the dance, it’s a historic moment.
• Restraint. Now, onto the actual celebration itself. You may remember when Javale McGee notched the first triple double of his career. He got to where he needed only a few points and essentially hijacked the Wizards offense for the better part of a quarter trying to get his last two points. Of course, he continually missed every shot until he finally got point #10 on a dunk. What’d he do immediately afterwards to celebrate? Get T-ed up for pulling up on the rim. Javale’s learned a lot since that moment, and celebrates this historic moment with a surprising amount of poise for a notorious knucklehead.
• Creativity. If you’ve watched any games on League Pass, you’ll know that KFC sponsors every team in the league. Bucket Charts. Bucket Sharks. All kinds of shitty puns involving buckets of chicken. Despite KFC being so ubiquitous in the NBA experience, no one has ever thought of a “finger-lickin’ good” dance. Until Javale. Because he’s a beautiful genius.

SpaceFunMars

Let’s reflect for a moment on DeShawn Stevenson’s “I Can’t Feel My Face” celebration (yup, I’m giving it the title treatment):

Many people have debated over the years whether this is a cocaine reference or a serious medical condition where DeShawn Stevenson literally cannot feel his face after every minor life achievment. Does DeShawn’s face go numb after remembering to wash his hands before dinner? Has he been able to feel his face since winning a title with the Dallas Mavericks? That was a major accomplishment, and I imagine it lead to weeks — if not months — of paralysis in his facial region.

Of course, these interpretations may be too kind to DeShawn. If you look at this gesture in the above video, you will notice that DeShawn never actually touches his face. Yes, there could be some sort of force field, ghost, or invisible being physically keeping him from touching his own face, but I am skeptical of those answers. I think DeShawn may just be incredibly stupid. He can’t FEEL his face because he doesn’t realize he must TOUCH his face in the first place. Of course, he can’t feel his face. It’s because of the lack of touching of said face. All he has to do is place his hand about one inch closer to his face, and he will be feeling it just fine.

Knowing DeShawn Stevenson, isn’t that the most likely answer?

(P.S. As a bonus mention – I want to remind everyone that Marreese Speights did jumping jacks after hitting a shot last week. That’s friggin’ cool.)

Triz

Imagine this scenario: You win a chess match against a friend and decide it’s time to celebrate.  Off the chair you go! Now start jumping around while pretending to cradle your imaginary testicles, which happen to be the size of ripened cantaloupes. You are basically saying in a non-verbal fashion:  ”my balls are so fucking big that I need to cup them from underneath and yo-yo them like a spindle.”

Yo-yo these balls, bitch!

My friends, you are now doing the Sam Cassell Big Balls Dance.

Of course, Sam got this dance from Pedro Cerrano’s “You have no marbles” scene in Major League.  It’s great on many levels, but the sheer disrespectfulness of the Big Balls Dance is off the charts.

So, what’s the next level of the Big Balls Dance? Well, I think someone should do the “air jack off, spunk throw” move that Mr. Chow pulls off in The Hangover.  There’s no way this isn’t Andray Blatche’s next gift to us all.

I GO HARD NOW  understands that you come to our blog for guidance through life.  We mainly provide you basketball opinions to recite to your friends (because we know our readers are totally devoid of their own thoughts), but IGHN writers also give the gracious gift of insight on a lot of worldly topics (love, culture, food, drugs, etc.).

I have gathered some of IGHN’s finest taste makers to drop some 2012-in-review knowledge on you and let you know what you probably missed this past year.  It’s not a traditional “here are the best music, movies, tv, blah blah blah” lists that you are used to.  It’s pretty much what we thought was awesome.  So yeah, it’s basically your chance to live like us going forward.  YOU’RE WELCOME!

Erin

Rockabye Baby Records -

If you aren’t familiar with this “genre” of music, Rockabye Baby cds are essentially cover versions of pop and rock songs that sound like lullabies. My top three are “Head Like a Hole”, “Runnin with the Devil” and “Enjoy the Silence”, but I basically spent the final weeks finishing my masters listening to an 8 hour playlist of these things.

The Barclays Center -
I moved to New York in 2010, and aside from paying a small fortune to see the Cavs play the Knicks at the Garden, I would take the PATH train to Newark (kind of a slog) to see the Nets play whoever I cared about for considerably less at the Prudential Center. the relocation of the Nets to Brooklyn meant I live a ten minute trip from the arena, and now get to see pro basketball on the regular, just as i did when i lived in Cleveland. Broooooooooklyn!

Neil Young’s Memoir, Waging Heavy Peace -
If you don’t acknowledge the importance of Neil Young in the world, we probably can’t even have a conversation. This book is basically Neil Young’s livejournal, and I loved all 512 pages of it. I didn’t want it to end. Topics discussed include: Orange Julius, freedom, horrible medical procedures, his music service (multiple times), stuff that sucks, stuff that is awesome, Sonicare toothbrush replacements, a boat. It was so good i used to do readings of it to one of my roommates.

The Internet -
This is a perennial favorite of mine. The Internet has allowed me to sustain friendships with people across the country, there’s always hilarious stuff to read and/or look at (this, in particular: http://twitpic.com/8z12ea), and I can’t imagine it not being in my life. This year it led me to some pretty hilarious experiences and even better people in my non-internet life, and I’m super stoked about that. Thx internet, i l u 4evz.

My Trip to Los Angeles in October -
This final thing I loved in 2012 started off as the pair of vintage Bulls sweatpants I bought at and still on la Brea and then I thought about the 2 Chainz (Editor’s Note:  2 CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) record from the Best Buy in Atwater Village that I  listened to in my rental car, and then I thought about Metropolis II @ LACMA. It’s all under the umbrella of this trip. It is no secret that I am in love with LA and it is my dream to move there, so leaving it off of a list of my best things of 2012 seems criminal, even though I’ve loved it outside of this year and will continue to forever. This trip included some of the greatest people I know on this planet, the beach, an exorbitant amount of thai street food, me riding a bike (first time since 2008!) and five days of feeling like my best self. If i can’t go to heaven, let me go to LA.

Spacefunmars

I’m quick hitting this because I’m sick and just took my nightly handful of sleeping pills so I can get my beauty rest.

James Harden’s Beard -
I feel like Harden’s beard really set the standard for 2012 facial hair.

Kyrie Irving -
2011 was a little shaky for Kyrie, but 2012 saw him move from “I hope he’s really good” status to “He’s a star” status to “for sure superstar” status. As a Cavs fan, I love it.

Grizzly Bear -
“Shields” is my favorite album of the last five years. Or more. I haven’t actually counted. Also, actual grizzly bears are pretty cool, too.

Mars Rover Curiosity -
Call me bias, but I love any money put into our space program — especially when it has to do with Mars.

Marc Gasol’s Continuous Validation of the Pau Gasol Trade -
Self-explanatory.

Angelo

Let’s face it, 2012 was a pretty terrible year for Cleveland sports fans. Sure, Kyrie Irving’s rookie campaign was incredible and great to watch, but the rest of the Cavaliers during that rookie campaign? Woof. While Dion Waiters has his moments, the Cavs are currently sitting at 6-23, good for the third worst record in the NBA. Oh, and most of the team is wearing face masks. And Twitter has devolved into one long argument about Tristan Thompson that never ends. And the Indians imploded in spectacular fashion. And I don’t care about the Browns (sorry, I don’t). And the Heat won. And now people won’t shut up about how great LeBron James is now. And LeBron James stories still show up in my Cavaliers newsfeed on Yahoo. And now people are saying he’s going to come back and save the Cavs, but he won’t, because that’s ridiculous and please shut up.

Ugh.

In other words, my favorite things about 2012 don’t involve sports. Actually, sports aside, 2012 was a pretty awesome year filled with cool shit. Here’s some of my favorites:

“The Walking Dead” (the video game) -
While the game play itself isn’t anything spectacular (it’s basically an old school point and click adventure game), the story is phenomenally engaging and moves the whole medium forward. I’ll admit it, I kinda teared up at the end of this one. It packs a punch.

“Game of Thrones” -
I hate fantasy stuff. I walked out of the first two Lord of the Rings movies. I have no desire to sit through nine hours of The Hobbit. And yet, I absolutely love this show and have started reading through the books. Maybe it’s the boobs.

This Pollos Hermanos tub filled with rock candy that looks like Heisenburg meth -
This is totally awesome, but I have no idea who has $1,656 to drop on some rock candy and a plastic bucket. Come on son.

@Horse_ebooks -
I know most people don’t get it, but I don’t care. This shit is hysterical.

“They Live”
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper fighting aliens in a John Carpenter movie that inspired both Shepard Fairey and the Cripple Fight episode of South Park. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.

Triz

On a personal level, 2012 was not one of my best years. Despite the suckiness, there were some great things that came out it:

The Weeknd
I have to give some love to Mike (@mikeyfivebucks) and Justin (@paluchador) for tipping me off to him.  I remember Mike telling me that The Weeknd was “in your lane” and music you want to “fuck and do drugs to.”  Boy, was he right. From the first beat drop in “High for This” to his cover of Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana,” The Weeknd changed my life for the better. It’s been the only thing I’ve listened to the past six weeks and I don’t see it leaving the rotation anytime soon. The best part about his music is the mood it sets.  It’s not traditional slow-jam R&B.  It makes you feel like you are rocking back and forth in a hazy trance with some cute girl rolling on E in the coolest underground spot in New York City.  Give it a shot. Some songs to consider: “High for This”, “Wicked Games”, “Montreal”, “XO/The Host”, “The Zone”, “House of Balloons/Glass Table Girls” and my absolute favorite, “Lonely Star.”  How addicting is this album? I drove around Cleveland for two hours on a late Saturday night because I didn’t want to stop listening.

Warby Parkers and Pencil Skirts
Girls, this outfit is fire.  I don’t know what it is, but there was nothing sexier this year than girls rocking a pencil skirt with some Warby Parker frames. Well done, ladies.

Sports Play of the Year
Yep, this happened.

Mike

“The Master” -
To be straight up, I didn’t fully get it and I don’t know many people who did.  What I DO know is that it was beautiful to look at and am insanely compelling story about the relationships between people.  I’m sure there was a way deeper meaning, but I took away interesting insights into the dominance/submission that happens in any friendship. You should probably see it and make up your own mind what it’s about.

Scott Snyder’s Comic Book Writing -
So yeah, I was late to the party, but he’s a beast when it comes to writing comic books.  In 2012 I caught up on his American Vampire series and his run on Batman/Detective Comics.  It’s incredible stuff and if you are even remotely interested in comics you should peep that shit.

“Blue Chips” by Action Bronson/Party Supplies -
Action Bronson released two mix tapes this year and this was the better of the two.  Action Bronson pretty much does him on this shit, but Party Supplies’ production is crazy.  Like really good and fix’s Bam Bam’s style perfectly.  Just download the mixtape (IT’S FREE!), listen to Pouches of Tuna and tell me it isn’t hot.  I dare you.

“R.A.P. Music” by Killer Mike -
If “Blue Chips” was mixtape of the year, “R.A.P. Music” might be the hip hop album of the year… and I would have a really hard time not considering it for my overall album of the year for 2012.  Socially conscious rap without being boring.  Listen to the second verse of Reagan and figure out what’s good.

Portland -
Went there on my honeymoon in October and had a blast.  Shouts out to all the Basketball Twitter I met out there.  Shit was fun.

“How Music Works” by David Byrne -
Do you care about music and/or the Talking Heads?  Read this book.  Equally a autobiography and music criticism, David Byrne has this whole music thing figured out.  And he’s just such a fucking weird guy.  It’s memorizing.

So yeah.  That’s it.  Go forth and be more like us.

Episode 31 – Sheed, Antawn Jamison and Chris Duhon

Yea, you read the title right.  We talked about all of these things… at length.  I won’t lie, we talked about other stuff too, so check out this week’s pod with Seth Rosenthal from Posting and Toasting and Emile from Hardwood Hype, in addition to myself and BOOSH!

Episode 31 [ 1:10:09 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The carolers keep on coming. Traffic keeps you from getting anywhere in any sort of reasonable time thanks to rabid shoppers with gift lust in their eyes. The holiday spirit is upon is. Like, breathing down our necks. Seriously, Christmas is less than a week away already, guys. I hope you’re done with your shopping.

Here at IGHN, we try to make your holiday a little bit more enjoyable. Angelo started you off right Monday, and Spacefunmars put the tinsel on your Tuesday. Now, it’s my turn to spread some cheer and present to you all some NBA teams’ wishes.

LA Clippers: For the Lakers to leave town so they get more love. Ten in a row (18-6, good for second in the Western Conference) and atop the Pacific division? Who cares! The Lakers have won three in a row against DC, Philly, and Charlotte!

LA Lakers: A fountain of youth sure would be nice. With perhaps the “ideal” starting lineup of Nash, Gasol, Bryant, Howard, and MWP, the players average 32.6 years old. With Duhon (30) and Ebanks (23 and playing under five minutes) pushing down that average and starting as they did last night, the average age is 29.

Memphis Grizzlies: Nothing! John Hollinger! Yay!!!! (Can’t wait for those paid subscription Grizzlies Insider columns!)

Miami Heat: For James, Wade, and Bosh to finally, after all this time, combine into some sort of Cerberus-looking thing. An actual center would be cool too, but NBD.

Milwaukee Bucks: Less Christmas-y uniforms.

Minnesota Timberwolves: What does the organization want? For Kevin Love to shut his pie hole. What do the majority of other people want [that care one iota about the Wolves]? For Kahn to find his way outta Minny.

I am a bit of an animal lover. I enjoy the zoo. I have too many pets. And most of all, I think animals make the best team mascots — especially those that actually inhabit the area near where a professional team plays (sorry, Memphis Grizzlies). As such, the recent New Orleans name change (to the Pelicans) has grown on me — in no small part because fellow IGHNer Jeff pointed out it sounds like the name of an indie rock band.

I would be overjoyed if every team in the NBA changed their name to a local animal, so I decided to make the push. Triz Gallo, Angelo, and I came up with a list of possible name changes for each team in the NBA (other than the ones who already have an existing local animal as their mascot). The list is thirty teams long (imagine that), so I won’t doddle too long explaining them. Plus, it’s self-explanatory anyway.

Here we go!

Atlantic Division

Boston Terriers – The name is a natural fit, but these dogs are also fun because they’re so ugly. Sort of like Boston basketball has been for the last four years!

Brooklyn Bed Bugs – It’s alliteration, so we won’t over-think this.

Philadelphia Fireflies – The firefly is the Pennsylvania state insect, and it sounds pretty cool.

Toronto Raptors – Little known fact — raptors are actually a common animal just outside of Toronto. Probably. It’s Canada, so who cares?

New York Sewer Rats – They are fearsome and deadly… in that they carry diseases

Central Division

Chicago Cardinals – It’s the state bird, and they can safely keep their color scheme. Everybody wins!

Cleveland Zebra Mussels – They’re killing Lake Erie, so that’s kind of scary, right?

Detroit Roving Wild Dogs – People can say, “Detroit is Wild Dog country!” and really mean it…

Indiana White People – It’s like a really specific version of the Riverdale Community College Humans.

Milwaukee Bucks – No explanation needed, so I’m going to advise you to fear the deer instead.

Southeast Division

Atlanta Pogo Possums – Georgia has a state possum, and we’re pretty excited about that.

Charlotte Squirrels – It’s their state animal. Obviously, they’re actually going to go back to the Hornets eventually, but that would be too easy of a suggestion.

Miami Manatees – This name will be especially fitting the next time Lebron is a free agent. Lebron:Powerboat::Miami:Manatees. Also, it’s the state marine mammal because that’s a thing.

Orlando Panthers – It’s the state animal, and panthers are really cool.

Washington Weasels - Other than the alliteration, let’s all admit that weasels are sort of cool. They’re mean. They’re crazy, and I would get a t-shirt with a cartoon weasel on it. I would.

Northwest Division

Denver Elk – I think this really fits the fact that they will never not be a running team.

 Minnesota Timberwolves – Minnesota already knew what was up. They picked a fierce animal that actually lives in the Minnesota area. Cool deal.

Portland Porcupines – The needle-y-est mammal to roam Earth (probably). Plus, you know… alliteration again.

Oklahoma City Prairie Dogs – At the very least, it’s better than being named after a sound.

The Utah Pronghorn Antelopes – Fun fact, they are really not actual antelopes, but we’ll ignore that.

Pacific Division

Golden State Seals – I guess they could do some sort of pun-based seal (the animal) and Seal (as in Navy Seal) cross-over mascot that could make seven year old boys happy.

Los Angeles Khloe Kardashians – Clearly this name belongs to the former Clippers. Sterling deserves it, and think of the reality show tie-ins.

Los Angeles Mountain Lions – A fearsome name for a team that will probably be back to winning championships sometime next year because that’s what they do.

Phoenix Javelinas – They sort of look like pigs if pigs were harmless monsters. I don’t think I need to say more.

Sacramento Grey Whales – Sacramento is on the grey whales’ migration path to Alaska and back… It’s sort of like this team — they’re just passing through (IE: not here to stay).

Southwest Division

Dallas Coyotes – They’re cute and deadly. Just like Dirk… or something.

Houston Armadillos – If I have to sell you on a team whose mascot is an armadillo, just leave now and never come back to this site, okay?

Memphis Mockingbirds – The mockingbird is Tennessee’s state bird, and this can loosely tie in with Hunger Games fans (I know, it’s a “mockingjay” in the book, but this is close enough).

New Orleans Pelicans – This could really become the funkiest team mascot in the NBA.

San Antonio Badgers – Badgers are nasty, and a San Antonio defense has been traditionally known to BADGER people. Get it?

 (Huge, huge thanks to Angelo and Triz on this article. They did most of the work, and I’m still going to get most of the credit. Life isn’t fair. And an extra huge thanks to Boosh, who made the hilarious New York and Miami logos.)

It’s 12/12/12. Whooooooaaaa! Three consecutive identical numbers in the datte — Even if you’re  not from the states and enter the date all weird. And some people think the world is gonna end soon. If it does, I’ll see YOU in your doomsday bunkers, you whacky characters.

Anyways, as far as the NBA goes, in the last couple weeks we’ve see Joakim Noah put up a monster 30 point, 23 rebound game to beat his only personal best in both categories. We’ve seen Rondo’s consecutive assist streak get broken cuz he got pissy with Kris Humphries. We’ve seen the Knicks take 44 (!!!!) three pointers in a rout of the Miami Heat.

There’s also some other NBA-related things to report this time of the season.. and here they are.

Trouble in Lala Land?

Kobe Bryant is averaging the most points (28.6) since the Lakers’ dismal 06-07 campaign when he averaged 31.6 PPG and carried a crappy team to 42-40 — impressive considering the roster, in which it was a big deal that Vlad Rad lied about his shoulder injury and got a major fine as a result.

One would have hoped that adding Nash and Howard while keeping Gasol might help him with the burden, but alas, that’s not been the case. Nash has only played in two games before busting his leg (friendly reminder: Nash will be 39 in February). A 38 year old getting injured can’t be too surprising, especially when you take him away from the Suns’ training and medical staff. In other Laker injury woe news, apparently Pau Gasol’s knees have filled up with tears and given him tendonitis, forcing him to weep from the bench in a suit. And as if that was bad enough, Dwight’s bitching about his teammates again, the Lakers are 9-12, and they can’t blame Mike Brown.

PPG to FGA comparison

Some might poo poo the PPG (Points Per Game) to FGA (Field Goal Attempted) stat, complaining that it doesn’t account for free throws made (calculation: PPG divided by FGA, or PPG/FGA…the higher the number the better). I think it’s a fun stat to use to evaluate scoring because, well, what scorer that’s worth a damn doesn’t get to the free throw line? And how do the majority of free throws get “earned”? By getting fouled in the act of shooting or get fouled with the ball in your hand when over the limit.. both things that are pretty good indicators that the player is a scorer.

(PTS – FTM)/FGM is a fine stat, but it ignores a scorer’s points earned at the free throw line, and is really just a way to see how many points a player scores on field goals alone, thus totally ignoring their ability to get to the free throw line and hit said free throws. All that rambling out of the way, that’s why I like the Points Per Field Goal Attempted stat better. Let’s take a look at how this year’s PPG to FGA comparison looks (taken from the top 40 FGA players):

Kevin Durant is on a tear. He’s way better than the next best PPG/FGA number held by Kobe Bryant. He’s also a little better than last year’s season PPG/FGA leader, Dwight Howard. Check out last regular season’s PPG to FGA stats looked like below. Another top player that’s somewhat surprising for his place on this list is OJ Mayo (shooting .487 this season helps, career .437 shooter).

What’s interesting to note (though not sure what the hell it actually means), is that the player with the highest PPG:FGA number is quite far ahead of the next closest player. Anyways, this year’s Durant has a better PPG/FGA stat than last year’s Dwight Howard…which is pretty impressive considering last year’s D12 shot over 10 FT/Game and he gets most all of his points point blank at the rim. It also helps that Durant is shooting over 5o% from the field, almost 90% from the Free Throw line, and taking almost 10 free throw attempts per game. Long story short… Kevin Durant is having a very nice, efficient year.

2012 Draft Class Update

Time to quickly recap how the top 10 draft picks of the 2012 draft are doing: Kinda meh except for MKG and Lilliard.

Going from first pick to tenth pick, a sentence for each..

• Anthony Davis was still injured up until last night (12/11/2012) when he scored 13 points, snagged 8 rebounds and had three blocks and steals apiece for a nice return from injury — minus the loss to the Wizards.
• MKG is continuing to be steady for the Bobcats, continuing to put up nice numbers on a consistent basis — especially considering his age.
• Beal still hasn’t been able to consistently shoot worth a damn, though he’s been better in the last four games in which he’s scored in double digits.
• Waiters hasn’t been able to consistently shoot worth a damn after starting off hot and hasn’t shot over 50% since his nice game against PHO on and is now injured after spraining his ankle on his 21st birthday (run on sentence!).
• Thomas Robinson hasn’t been given the minutes I’m guessing a lot of Kings fans were hoping for when he was drafted; as aD result his numbers are pretty unimpressive.
• Damian Lillard is awesome and will win ROY.
• Harrison Barnes has only scored in double digits twice in ten games after his nice stretch of games scoring 19, 18, 12, and 20 in November.
• Terrence Ross still hasn’t done anything too spectacular and has only attempted five free throws, making two, in 317 minutes of play, although he had a nice 19 points game against HOU.
• Drummond is showing some nice signs of what he can become with, but is still quite “raw” as they say in the potential game.
• Austin Rivers is, overall, playing like butt — and the numbers above illustrate that.

That’s all I got for now. I hope to see you all in two weeks, assuming the world hasn’t ended by then.