Let me start with a disclaimer: I might be the reason for all the failures the Polish national team has endured throughout the ages. You see, the last medal the Poles won came in 1992, in the Barcelona Olympics (also known as the Dream Team Olympics, I ‘spose). The Poles took the Silver home, after a long battle with the Spanish national team that featured one of my favourite FIFA players – Louis Enrique. Man, I used to destroy people with him in FIFA 98. Either way, Poland’s U23 played the Final on August 8th. I was born on September 29th. And since around that time, Polish soccer has been mostly pain. So yeah, I’m probably not responsible, I just have shitty luck.

It wasn’t always like that, though. Although Poland never won a European Championship game, they’ve had considerable success back in the 70s and 80s in the Olympics (back when they weren’t an U23 competition) and the World Cup. First, a gold medal at the infamous 1972 Olympics, then… Perhaps the most bittersweet World Cup in Polish history.

In 1974, the team from the Olympics qualified to the World Cup in truly grand fashion. The deciding game of the qualifiers came at Wembley, as the English were prepared to run circles around Poland. The game ended with a 1:1, thanks to a valiant effort by legendary goalkeeper (and current political nutjob), Jan Tomaszewski, who stopped shot after shot. In fact, after the tournament, Pele named him the greatest goalkeeper on earth. Either way, the tie granted Poles the tournament spot, kicking the English out on their legendary field. From there on, the Poles won all their games until the semi-finals, against West Germany. This night will forever live in infamy in Poland as “The Match Played on Water”  (sounds much better in Polish, believe me). The stadium in Frankfurt was soaked in rain, turning the field into mud. Enough said, a fast-paced Polish attack couldn’t really get going in these conditions. That, combined with a great game from the German goalkeeper rendered Poland unable to score, while the Germans capitalized after a lucky goal. Poland went on to win the bronze medal, winning with Brazil. But nevertheless, much akin to the Tuck Rule Game, everyone was left wondering what could’ve been, had the weather not been bad.

Poland continued it’s reign of near-dominance, winning a silver medal in the 1976 Olympics, losing the gold to… The Germans, how else? These games marked something that lasts until today — Poland just cannot beat the Germans, for some reason.

Six years passed, as Poland went through a changing of the guard. Having lost in the second round in the 1978 World Cup, a new and improved Poland came out in 1982, looking for more, in a much needed time. On December 13th 1981, martial law was declared in Poland, marking the beginning of the end of communism. The stories from that time are grueling, thousands of anti-Communists arrested, tanks standing on the streets, this perhaps best presented by this photo by photographer Chris Niedenthal. The poster on the movie theater s for “Apocalypse Now!” how fitting.

Either way, with martial law still in effect, the national team couldn’t play friendlies before the World Cup Finals. The team went to Spain unprepared, and with the responsibility of distracting the entire nation from the surrounding chaos. They brought home the bronze medal yet again, this time failing to the Italians in the semi-finals, perhaps to a one game suspension for Zbigniew Boniek, who went over the yellow card limit. I mentioned Boniek specifically, since he is remembered as two things in Poland; a) The greatest Polish footballer in history b) One of the most incompetent coaches in history. So I guess that that makes him Polish football’s Michael Jordan. Either way, Boniek was not only the greatest Polish footballer, but one of the greatest footballers, period. In fact, Pele named him as one of the 100 greatest in the sport. And if that doesn’t convince you, have a look at a little montage of his highlights. Maybe that will convince you.

The rest is a history of World Cup disappointments, I suppose. Poland qualified for the World Cup only 3 times since, getting booted early every time. As for the European Championships? Poland only played in one to date (it will be two tomorrow, though). Our national team is yet to win an Euro game, in fact.

I skipped over a large part of our history. That’s because I don’t want to remember us telling ourselves that we’d be able to advance out of the group stage, or hell, that we’d even qualify, or beat the English in said qualifiers (another team the Poles are unable to win with, except for one equally legendary game in the 1974 qualifiers). Which was strange, considering Poland managed to climb up to 16th in the FIFA rankings in 2007. But that was back when we shined in the qualifiers before falling flat (almost literally, big time fatigue problems) in the Euro itself. This time, however, it’s different. Hopefully.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never been more confident about the Polish national team. Somehow, we managed to grow an elite right back in Łukasz Piszczek, an damn near elite right midfielder in Jakub Błaszczykowski (I will include an audio file with correct pronounciations of each name at the end of the post, hopefully), whom you can call “Kuba” for simplicities sake, and an up-and-coming striker in Robert Lewandowski. Add to that the legendary Polish goalkeeping school that brought up names like Jerzy Dudek and Artur Boruc, along with it’s newest member of honour, starting goalie Wojciech Szczęsny, and you have yourself quite a treat.

But, I won’t leave you with a bare note, I will do more — a player-by-player thingy! For the projected starters, that is.

Goalkeeper – Wojciech Szczęsny – Arsenal

Look, Wojtek Szczęsny is one of the best young goalies in the world. He’s long, he jumps high, and he makes miracle saves, while doing a great job of stopping breakaways, which is kind of a must for every single Polish goalkeeper in history.

Right Back – Łukasz Piszczek – Borussia Dortmund

Piszczek, despite being an elite talent, in fact so elite that he’s being wooed by Real Madrid, is pretty lucky to be here. You see, Poland had an Italianesque match selling scandal, and Piszczek had a small part in it. Granted, he was 18, and he didn’t really get anything out of it, but nevertheless, there was a threat of suspension, as he was treated as an accomplice. Luckily, the Polish Footbal Union, decided that that would be dumb as fuck.

Centre Back – Marcin Wasilewski – RSC Anderlecht

Wasilewski is a tough guy, basically. Big, strong, and capable of playing both the defensive wing and centre positions. He’s really the heart and motor of the national team, ever since he had an open leg fracture in one of his league games. As you can imagine, a comeback from that must’ve been hard… He did come back. Everyone loves Wasilewski. That’s it.

Centre Back – Damien Perquis – Sochaux

I can’t pronounce Perquis’ name properly, since I don’t speak French. Either way, this guy is French. I mean, he is of Polish descent, but nevertheless, he’s french. He’s a solid defender, and did a hell of a job learning Polish. I’m just sad that the manager of the national team decided he will only let players of Polish descent play in the National Team, all while a perhaps better defender, Manuel Arboleda, a Columbian living in Poland for the last 5 years, requested a citizenship and declared his will to play for the Polish national team. Hell, for me, Arboleda is more Polish.

Left Back -  Sebastian Boenisch (probably) – Werder Bremen

Sebastian Boenisch was born in Poland, but raised in Germany, much alike German National Team strikers Lukas Podolski (who is one of the classiest players out there) and Miroslav Klose (who avoids Polish culture and thus is a douche). He’s a solid defender, although I don’t have the full scoop on him, having only seen him in friendlies. He might also be replaced by Lech Poznań defender (and 100% Pole) Grzegorz Wojtkowiak come tomorrow.

Defensive Midfielder – Rafał Murawski – Lech Poznań

This guy is basically the big help-defense dog. He’s not the most intelligent player, not the best passer, and not really a player I like. But, with an unstable defensive core, he might be worth the shot. He’ll probably be the first one subbed, though.

Defensive Midfielder – Eugen Polanski – Mainz 05

Another one of the Polish-born, German-raised group, Polanski (not related with Roman) was actually the Captain of the German youth squad, before joining the Polish senior team.  He’s the more offensively skilled defensive midfielder, providing a link between the two formations. I betcha he’s gonna ring a bomb in from 20 yards in one of the games, too.

Left Midfielder – Maciej Rybus – Terek Grozny

Rybus is one of those guys with a motor stuck in their butt. He’ll run around wherever it takes, and will make up for a lack of skill with a load of dedication. However, if Franciszek Smuda will want some new looks, Rybus will join Murawski on the bench, probably.

Offensive/Centre Midfielder – Ludovic Obraniak – Bordeaux

When they want memorabilia, some people take swords, others take postcards, and some get tats.  Obraniak apparently is from the last group, since he has a tattoo commemorating every location he’s been to. Oh, and tattoos aside, he’s a really solid playmaker with a great nose for set pieces and overall awareness. I’m betting he scores the first goal on the Euro. Note it somewhere.

Right Midfielder – CAPTAIN Jakub Błaszczykowski – Borussia Dortmund

Dortmunders love their beer. And their Poles. Błaszczykowski is the leader of this team, the primary playmaker and by far the best passer. He starts on the wing, but switches to the middle often. He creates goals, draws penalties, free kicks and corners. If you don’t like Kuba, you don’t like Poland. And if you don’t like Poland, you don’t like me.

Striker – Robert Lewandowski – Borussia Dortmund

The third of the “Dortmunder Triangle”, and possibly the best. Lewandowski was named the Bundesliga Player of the Year for his incredible striking season. He scored 22 goals in league games, and another 8 in various cups, including a hat trick in the Cup Final against Munich. Oh, and he isn’t even the penalty kick taker in his team, so those are all off live balls. Add his 10 assists to that, and you have a pretty complete striker on your hands. If Poland reaches the semis (fat chance, ha!), he’s probably going to be the leading scorer of the tournament.

The manager of the team is Franciszek Smuda. I won’t talk about him, since I see him as a bit of a douche, a part of an oldboys club that is slowly destroying Polish soccer. This team would’ve been much better with more people like Arboleda, internationals living in Poland and willing to represent it. Unfortunately, prejudices take top. Fortunately, his tactical mind is still pretty sound. Don’t expect Poland to play overly exciting football, though, Smuda’d rather play defensive football with an emphasis on midfield possession.

That’s all folks. My next piece will be a short description of every team in the tournament, from a Polish point of view.

Oh, and please enjoy the audio file below of a reading of the names above, completed with a little impromptu rhyme created out of Polish swear words.

Polish Names and Swears! [ 1:50 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I will try writing about the Euro at least once per week in the upcoming month, giving you my previous Euro experiences, a piece about the Polish national team (just so you know how much I loathe Polish soccer) and finally, doing some research and giving you my bets for every group. And when the Euro starts, I will give you game recaps, best stories and some whining about the fact that I have my Finals right in the middle of the tournament.

Around 20 years ago, as Poland was reforming from a communistic puppet regime into a post-communistic capitalist craphole, a French newspaper (allegedly, some will say that the Poles wrote this as a joke) wrote something that somehow still fits today.

And now here we are in the land of the absurd. A country that lost a fifth of their citizens during the Second World War, with another fifth living abroad. A country where a third of the people are 20. A country that had it’s capital rebuilt based on Canaletto’s paintings, recreating it’s Old Town from the ground up. A country that has twice the students France has, all while an engineer earns as much as an average worker. A country where people spend twice as much as they earn. (…) A country where a car costs three years of wages, and yet it’s hard to find a parking space. (…) A foreigner has to put logic aside if he doesn’t want to lose control. A weird country, where you can speak English with the waiter, French with the chef, all while having to use an interpreter when talking with a minister or any other government official. Poles! How do you manage to do this?

Mind you, I probably wasn’t even born when this article was published. I never knew the “joy” of standing in line for a roll of toilet paper, or camping outside a shop at five AM just to grab a piece of meat. My mom and my grandparents told me all about  it, but I’d still never be capable of understanding. I was born in this crazy world, where people hated commies, but wanted all the state-given benefits they received from them. A world where ruling parties were changed like gloves, all while The Polish Beer Lovers’ Party managed to win sixteen parliamentary seats. Yes, Beer Lovers’.  I’ve witnessed change beyond VCRs turning into DVDs, beyond phones turning into cell phones turning into smartphones. As my generation was growing up, the country was growing up. Saviours turned into corrupted dickheads, corrupted dickheads turned into temporary saviours, and a city made to fall apart by bad quality communist work turned into a crazily patched up modern metropolis that will now host the opening of the second most important international association football (just to make sure nobody blames me for saying soccer) tournament in the world. How did this happen? When did this happen? And so, a month before Euro 2012 kicks off, I will tell you a backstory behind one of the shittiest organizing jobs you’ll ever see.

Cynical Happiness

I remember the day the Polish-Ukrainian bid won in the Euro 2012 host contest. It was warm and sunny (and Wikipedia tells me it was April), and I was coming back from school. I sat down to my computer. Back then, my internet was just a tad over PPP, slow, unreliable and… Well, primitive, but nevertheless, I loaded up a news portal, and the news broke “Poland will host the Euro along with Ukraine in 2012.” I was surprised, even as a 15 year old kid I kept tabs on everything that was going on, from politics to soccer, which at the time was the only sport I was exposed to on a regular basis. I rushed to my living room and turned on the TV, apparently this came as a surprise to everyone. Some even said that some shoddy deals might’ve been involved, which in turn wasn’t surprising at all, given the money in the Ukraine, and the Polish love of bribery.

As the news broke, the market went up, everything was exploding, and me and my friends did what all “real” Poles do when something goes right. “We’re going to fuck this up.” we said. A part of it was a joke, a part of the Polish attitude, an attitude formed by years of suffering and a predilection towards whining. Believe me, it was easier that way, we were ready to be pleasantly surprised, and we weren’t.

Everything is Broken

It started nicely, it really did. Everything was going right, the stadiums were being built, the roads were being built, the second (yes, Warsaw, and in fact Poland, only has one) underground railway line was being built. Of course, that is until we realized everything was late. Roads were being built, but then the crisis came and everything went to shit. And  just to make sure everything ends up as bad as always, the universe gave Poland a flood to spend money on. Everything was falling apart. The stadium in Warsaw, for example, was built right in the middle of the city (where we already have a 30k stadium and a 20k arena, mind you), to replace an old stadium that… Literally sunk into the ground. The old stadium was occupied by immigrant traders on the largest outdoor market in Europe, a place that looked like a result of a nuclear fallout, and served the greatest Vietnamese food you’ll ever eat for as little as three bucks. Rumour said that if you knew the right guy, you could get anything from counterfeit money to machine guns. The people were thrown out, losing their spot, while the spot itself turned out shitty.

Apparently, the control poles (not to be confused with control Poles) stuck into the ground to prepare the foundation for the stadium have started sinking. This delayed the stadium’s opening by a few months, right off the bat. And it only got worse. I won’t bore you with the details (too late for that, eh?) but basically, the stairs were built cheap, the safety tests failed, the grass was  shitty (which was the case with every single one of the Polish stadiums, and will probably continue to be throughout the tournament) and the transit closes the central bridge in Warsaw. All while the construction of the tunnels for the underground (now scheduled to launch in 2014) locked off the central road through Warsaw. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

So in the end, Poland has shoddy stadiums, no roads, and limited transit before the biggest mass event in Polish history. Believe me, this city was paralyzed by a friendly game played on the stadium twice already, I don’t want to know what happens when thousands of international fans drop in to see the pride of our nation. And this is only one host nation.

Don’t We All Love Politics?

If you think Poland has it bad, I suggest you check the Ukraine out. This is a country that rid itself of communism in 2004, having had a Belarusian quasi-communistic system before that. As they became a democracy, they had to transition into capitalism in superspeed. Instead, they got an oligarchy, ruled by the few rich people that made their money on bribery and corruption. Just like that, the liberals were pushed back out by the old socialistic power, the power that now once again brings censorship and oppression.

We all hate politics, I know, so I’ll keep it quick. Basically, a former prime minister was sentence for a mistake she’d made in office and sent to prison where she’s treated poorly. This, of course, became a great excuse for Germany and other goody European nations to suddenly start caring about what’s going on in the resource rich east and start boycotting the Euro (and mind you, this is only the boycott, Ukrainians have as little roads or whatever else to speak about too. And the Final will be hosted in Kiev, among unrest, protest and whatnot. Much like Bejing, the sports may be overshadowed by the political context, the human rights abuse, the boycotts. A tournament that may be more competitive than the World Cup (the quality of European teams is just plain amazing these days), may end up being just a sideshow to a load of controversies.

And so, a month before an event the entire soccer world is waiting for, a month before Poland and Greece kick off what will probably be another snooze-fest of an opener, I write from the land of the absurd. The land where host cities for a major tournament are connected by single lane roads, the land where it takes 8 hours to travel 210 miles by train, a land where nothing works the way it’s supposed to, and yet it somehow works. I write, saying what I’ve said four years ago.

We’re going to fuck this up.